It kills me when I can’t give my kids something they really want because I just don’t have the money for it. When I have to tell my 8 year old that sorry he cannot go to the Tae Kwon Do board breaking competition because I just can’t afford the entrance fee it kills me. It kills me even more when I then have to watch him break down and cry himself to sleep over the disappointment. I had not realized how much he had his heart set on going this year as we had to skip last years event (it was on his dad’s weekend and his dad would not take them). My 7 year old was also hurt and disappointed over the cost issue, but he’s a bit more accepting of it at least outwardly but I know that inside he is hurting just as much as his older brother.
Yes, I wish things could be different. Yes, I’d pay for it in a second if I could. Yes, it would be nice if his dad would help pay for it, but unfortunately there is so much it would be nice if his dad would pay for that I’ve lost count. (Hell, if he’d just pay the support payments on time I’d be happy).
So for now, I will stay up all night trying to juggle the numbers to see if and how I could possibly swing not only his entrance fee, but that of his younger brother as well, and of course the fee for me to enter and watch them and possibly the fee for his youngest brother to either watch or participate as well.
I’ll do this because: (1) I am a mom who loves her kids and wants to see them happy, (2) it would be a great experience for the boys, (3) it would be fun to watch all the board breaking demonstrations, and (4) most importantly it means so much to both of my oldest sons to go and participate.
But the more I try to find the funds to help my boys realize a dream they had the more I know I will have to end up dissapointing them and it kills me to do so. It is just so heartbreaking to know you have to disappoint your sons because you just don’t have the funds when their dad could help but refuses to do so. Yes it is not going to be the end of the world if my boys can’t participate in the board breaking contest, but it is the shattered hopes and dreams that hurt me so much.
While this is not the first time since the divorce that I had to tell them no due to money issues this was the hardest because this event means a lot to them. (And because this event has a deadline after which the opportunity to participate in it will be gone.) It means more to them than any video game or toy or thing they have ever asked me for that I had to say no to due to lack of funds. I hate to see their dreams shattered over something that can be fixed so easily with a few dollars. Hopefully a miracle will occur and I will find the money to do it, but for now I will just have to cry myself to sleep along with my boy.